Patience: fake it til ya make it

As a teenager, I always thought that I had a ton of patience and that I was one of the most patient people I knew, I was obviously really humble too. Teenagers are awesome that way. The truth is, I knew jack about being patient and to this day, I still don't. I think that life teaches us patience.

I recently attended a get-together with a bunch of other women at my church where we had a little lesson/discussion on patience. It couldn't have been better timed because it was all I needed to hear that day. It was one of the those days. You know, the ones that you lock yourself in the pantry with a box a thin mints to try to talk yourself out of crying/screaming/throwing things. Although I spent most of the time during the discussion in tears feeling like a failure, I felt renewed. It's sure nice to know that in some way or another, we are all in the same boat, and misery LOVES company, right?? Seriously though, isn't it so nice when you find out that you aren't the only one that struggles with certain things? Anyway, there were so many great things that were discussed but the thing that really struck me was when the question was asked, "When it comes to patience, is it okay to fake it?" My answer to this is a giant "Heck to the YES!" I feel like when it really is time to be patient, that is all I do... fake it.

Patience feels like it's something that always takes great effort. Once I need to be patient, I'm already loosing it and have to work hard to act that way. I guess I'm just a very impatient person. I'm sure my dear children would agree. There are many times that I look at them and with my teeth grit trying not to scream and  I say, "I know I'm not yelling right now, but I want to. You have used up all the patience I have so will you please________." Scooby probably hears this from me more than the others, I swear he can't hear my voice unless I'm yelling or at least doesn't think I'm serious until I do.

So I fake it A LOT, and I'm okay with that because I try the best I can and very slowly, I'm getting better. That's the only way to live without regrets, to keep trying and trying again until I get it right. So do what works for you but  for me, when it comes to being patient: I fake it until I make it.

I ride the roller coaster

Since puberty, I've been riding an emotional roller coaster. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, I think it's fairly typical. But motherhood is a whole new amusement park. The ups are so much higher and the downs feel lots lower because my life is so intertwined with my children's lives. It's a lot like leaving Trafalga and going to Six Flags. The biggest issue is when I'm a little grumpy, I can't just avoid talking to people that might push my buttons like I did when I was a teenager. I still have to make them dinner and help them with home work. My poor kids are the first to know when my fuse is a bit shorter than normal. In reality, I don't like who I am when its like this and try to logically think that this will pass in a few days and everything will be better. Luckily, kids are forgiving and seem to love unconditionally. At least for now.

There is another roller coaster that I ride. I haven't come up with a cleaver name for it yet and would accept some help doing so if you want. This is the coaster I ride with Scooby. It's hard to describe what this one is like. Sometimes it's easy to be with each other and we get along great. Other times it's much harder. We clash constantly and I can tell he doesn't want to be around me too. By the time we get to the lowest point, I hate myself for letting it get like this and have a full on melt down before I can pull us out of it. It's not a pretty moment for me as you can imagine. But I am starting to recognize what this roller coaster feels like and I'm learning to make the ride a bit less nauseating. Oddly enough, it is usually pretty simple, yet easier said than done: I give him a hug.

The relationship that Scooby and I have is different than with my other children. Physical affection isn't natural between us. It takes quite a bit of effort for us to give each other a hug or sit close together. It's something that I have to consciously work on. I have to think to myself, he needs me to put my arm around him. Then I have to decide to it and then do it. Each step requires effort on my part. Maybe this is easier for some people but that's not who I am. I am always very aware of who I show physical affection to. I would not consider myself a "hugger." Some people would hug the bagger at the grocery store if they wouldn't get charged with sexual assault for it. Not me, I prefer to take my own groceries to my car.

So I do it, I pull him right next to me and put my arm around him until his and my walls fall down. Or I put my hand on his shoulder while I thank him for helping out or I touch and kiss his forehead when I tuck him in at night. I try to find some way to physically show my love for him because usually words aren't even close to enough. And everyone needs to love and to feel loved.